Are you for real?

I've been in spain for 12 days. During that time i've been looking for a place to call home. My conversations with various parties have usually begun with this.

¿Puedo visitar de habitacion hoy o esta semana?

This is spanish for "Can i visit the room today or this week?" However some of the responses i get back to this simple request are crazy. Take this one for example

 Hello.Jonathan

         Thanks for the email and am really glad for you interest in my  Apartment.I owns the Apartment,My name is [REDACTED] and also want you to know that it was due to my wife's Sickness that made us to leave the  Apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take good care of the  Apartment, we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean all the time .So for now,I am in Benin Republic Cotonou in our new home and also I am with the keys and documents of the  Apartment,we tried to look for an agent that we can give this documents before we left but could not see and we don't want the  Apartment to be used any how in our absence that is why we took the keys and documents  along with us here and as you know that,I and my family are in the Benin Republic Cotonou on a christian mission of God all because of the sickness,so i hope you will promise us to take very good care of the  Apartment but your absolute maintenance of my  Apartment is most important thing.So get back to me on how you could take care of our  Apartment or perhaps experience you have in renting a home.Note that the rent is going to be ( 260 Euro) No extra fees.I will like you to give me a call on this effect to know how serious you are.Hope you are okay with the price  per month with DVD Player, air conditioning,alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils,refrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven,microwave,dishwasher and washing machine and Dryer and i will want you to get back to me with the Application form below :

  APARTMENT ADDRESS:[REDATED]

            ========  RENT APPLICATION FORM  ========

            ========= PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL========  

     

    Also,Pls answer these questions below:

    1)Your Full Name__________________________ ____________

     

    2)Present Address(where you reside now) & Phone

      Number________________________ _______

    3)How old are you _____________________________

     

    4)Are you married ______________________________ _____

     

    5)How many people will be living in the  Apartment ___________________________

     

    6)Do you have a pet ______________________________ ___________

     

    7)Do you have a car ______________________________ ____________

     

    8)Occupation ______________________________ ___________________

     

    9)What is your religion ______________________________ ______________

     

    10)How long are you willing to stay

    ______________________________ ___________

     

    11)When do you intend to move in ______________________________ ___________

     

    12)1 month Or 2 month deposit needed ______________________________ ________

     

    13) Pictures of all the Occupant that will stay in my  Apartment ______________________________ ________

     

    Looking forward to hear from you with all this details so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt in your name and contacting you.Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the keys and the documents to you,please we are giving you all this based on trust and again i want you to stick to your words,We are putting everything into Gods hand,so please do not let us down in this property of ours and God bless you more as you do this. Pls note that you will be viewing the  Apartment from outside and won't be able to inspect the Interior because the keys and the documents to the  Apartment are with me here in Benin Republic Cotonou and It is located on a cool, quiet and safe neighborhood.

     

     

    Thanks and God Bless.

    Regards.

Um, ok. So do you want to take me out into the woods and shoot me too? I thought for a moment, that this could be true story, even though it may as well have had SCAM in the title. Later that same day i got another email from another landlord.

Hola, La renta mensual es de 450 euros para todo el piso, incluyendo todos los servicios públicos (agua, electricidad,gas,calefacción, Internet, TV,garaje, aire acondicionado, lavavajillas, recogida de basuras). Se puede mover en cualquier momento. El problema es que soy la única persona que tiene las llaves y estoy lejos,en Romania con mi trabajo, pero si sigues interesado podemos tratar algo,utilizando un servicio de efectivo en entrega como TNT, que se encargará tanto de pago y la entrega de las llaves en la manera más segura para usted. Gracias

Thanks to google translate ...

The monthly rent is 450 euros for the entire floor, including all utilities (water, electricity, gas, heating, Internet, TV, garage, air conditioning, dishwasher, garbage disposal). You can move at any time. The problem is that I am the only person who has the keys and I'm far away in Romania with my work, but if you interested we can work something out using cash on delivery service such as TNT, which will handle both payment and delivery of keys in the safest way for you.

Wow, so apparently everyone in Sevilla goes away and takes their keys with them. Maybe they need an iPhone app for that ...